On being the same person.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago, and this realisation hit me pretty hard today.

I was on tumblr, and although I follow a lot of amazing girls, I came to the realisation that I'm in no hurry to attempt to become them, as I once would have done. I think a lot of this is coming into myself - I have a house, a job, a boyfriend, loyal friends, who like me as myself, not as myself attempting to copy someone else.

The development of my personal style is a big feature of this. I used to only wear black, and refused colour on the basis that I thought it didn't suit me. And because, as Kate Nash once sang, "wearing black looks mysterious".

It didn't, in retrospect. It looked like what it was - an attempt to blend away and a defensive action - if my clothing gave away my personality, I wouldn't have to get to know anyone, because they would think they knew me. I've slowly and steadily re-introduced colour to my wardrobe, to the point where every day I am wearing a colour. I wear bright varnishes and acrylic nails - because they look nice, and I like them, rather than sticking to stubby black nails, because they were no effort.

One of my most interesting choices has been to remove all of my piercings. It was a battle, because I genuinely loved them, and had gathered them in an arduous process of getting my family to accept them (they never really did). I took them out, partly because I didn't want to hinder my chances at getting a profession that mattered to me, and partly because they didn't reflect who I was anymore. As much as they once did, I felt that I was holding on to them to prove a point.

I took them out gradually, and I don't miss them. The scars remain, and I am proud of them, but I don't miss being pierced. I'm glad all my tattoos are hidden, secret, because they are something I share only with those I want to know me. I am still rebellious, I still have strong beliefs, still embrace the ethos of acceptance for all that made me who I am today. But I'm glad that I can choose now who I let see my real "self".

I think it's important to mention though, I'd do it all again, without hesitating

I have more secrets now than ever, but I don't see it as a defense, or a betrayal of who I am. I see my progression into appearing more socially acceptable (apart from my weight, obviously - haters gonna hate) as akin to closing a pair of curtains on a window - The room is still there, but you can only see it if you've been let inside.

Me twelve months ago:

Me today - outfit post to lighten up!

you can't tell, but these lovely tights are black and white polka dot!
dress: Next
long-sleeved tshirt: primark
polka dot tights: primark
black patent mary janes: next

1 comment:

  1. Totally identify with this post - especially in relation to the piercings thing.
    For a long time I just got more and more piercings and although I loved them at the time and would never have thought I'd be done with them within a year or so - I was!
    Great post :)